Do you know how it feels like to live without any motivation at all? I wake up every morning thinking of how will I survive another whole day. I’m doing this for whom? I’m doing this for what? I feel so empty that I don’t even know what am I doing in this spot where I am now. Sometimes I just feels like I wanna run away to some place where nobody knows me and nobody will mind me. But of course, I am expecting that it will be lonely and sad. However, it’s just what my mind needs right now. I feel exhausted even though I don’t feel that my job is that hard. I feel sad even though there are people that makes me happy. I find it amusing and I wonder if how many people are on the same place as mine. I don’t know who am I anymore with these sudden mood changes. I feel like everything is not enough and tomorrow is not another chance, but another story which I am so afraid of because I don’t have any clue of what might happen. And I’m still here, the same me, experiencing lack of motivation and will to live again. Why do I feel nothing right now? I don’t like that I don’t feel anything but I don’t hate it either. Am I just playing it safe? Am I just depending? There are times that I feel positive but majority of the people around me seems negative. The emotion stirs up the insides of me and as a result, I feel nothing at all. Am I supposed to feel something in the first place? Do I need to experience a whole lot of something that might wake up the unconscious emotions of me? Yes. I probably need that because as far as I know, living is facing and experiencing every emotion your brain can provide you. What’s my future? If there’s a future, I want it now. Will I die like this? Not feeling an intense emotion? Not feeling wonderful things? What I only feel are simple happiness. Am I supposed to live with that? Am I supposed to put a ring on it? I can’t understand. Help me.

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God is Good.

I am not saying this because I had a great day. I’m not saying this because I am blessed.

I am not saying this because I have much, I have enough for myself and my family.

I am not saying this because I’m still alive and God gave me another chance to live again.

I want to say that even though I do bad things, He is still there, not giving up to win me completely. God is that good because of his grace, I am saved. I want to seek His face, kiss His feet, and wrap myself in his arms. I want Him to tower me, shower me with His words. Be my God, King, and Refuge.

At the end of the day I always think of things like: “Another day has passed, did I make someone smile?” “How much goodness I shared this day?” “Do people I value still see me as someone worth to be with” and whatnots. I always contemplate the things that I have done; was it good? was it bad? Am I deserving to live my life? Because I personally think there are other people that are more deserving to be in my place right now. But then again, when I look at the brighter side, I must understand that this is what God gave me and He gave me this because I deserve this. Again, God is this good that even though you don’t deserve what you have right now, He will still give it to you no matter what, no matter how much.

PSALM 46

-cappuccinie

 

 

Just a realization

I just came up with an another learning. A friend of mine just opened up to me about her problems and such things that made me bothered (not that much) and enlightened. I realized that we are the only ones who make our own life miserable. Yeah, not totally, but a part of it.

Imagine that we are here in the world and every odds go in our way and we can’t do anything about it. Man’s natural response to problems or challenges is sadness (they were like: “Of all people? God chose me?”) and then it’s on our own will if we are to continue being unhappy for whatever happens or just move on and find solutions or just accept that not everything will go in the way we wanted to. We are born to face tragedies. I am currently facing one now. I just thought that I will not allow myself to be totally drown in this moment. I am not strong. I am lightweight. But with the help of God, I know that everything will be fine. He has his perfect timing. Let us just be happy.

-cappuccinie

 

“Starters” by Lissa Price

First of all, I would like to recommend this book for all teens/adults who love reading Science Fiction/Fiction. You would really, really, love this book. This book suits you!

At first, I was hesitant of buying this or the other book which I really liked. I’ve been seeing this book for two or three years on the National Book Store and at last – this month only, I brought it, read it, and it didn’t fail me.

Indeed, this book was a bonafide page-turner. You can’t really get it outta your head. It was a tragic happening after a Spore War when Callie and her younger brother, Tyler, along with Michael, lost their parents. Because of poverty, Callie decided to make her body a rental for a week-or two to the Prime Destinations’ body bank. They made her beautiful and pretty for the eye of old renters who want to rent their body to be young again. Little did she know that there was a malfunction on the neurochip people on the body bank have inserted and she woke up on the life of her renter.

At first, I am happy for buying again a new book which I’m gonna last reading for only half a day. =_= I love the twists and there are lots of surprises inside this book. On analysis of reality, I think it deals with the system or the norms of the world that when you have money, you can get everything. Starters are people who are young, and poor, while Enders, are people who are old, wrinkled, but wealthy. The story clearly shows that there is a very big gap between the rich and the poor. As usual, Callie, the protagonist, uncovers the real motives of the Prime Destinations and begins to gather people who had been a victim of the detrimental system of the body bank.

Many people said that this book is a successor to Suzanne Collins’ The Hunger Games. I loved The Hunger Games that’s why I think I loved this book. I didn’t like what happened to Blake tho, that’s the only thing I didn’t like. I feel nauseous on their kissing scenes haha! And I still have hope for Michael . Watch out for the sequel ‘Enders’. :D

–cappuccinie

Last Hope – Paramore

Last Hope – Paramore LYRICS

“Last Hope”

I don’t even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It’s just a spark
But it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It’s just a spark
But it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing

It’s just a spark
But it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning anymore than it used to
It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has
And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive

Alive

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It’s just a spark
But it’s enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing

It’s just a spark
But it’s enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing

Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh

Ohhh
Ohhh

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/paramore/lasthope.html

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/paramore/lasthope.html